I'm in the middle of the worst of it, these are the best years of my life.
Sometimes I forget while raising my toddler that I often need to allow myself the same amount of grace I set aside for her.
I'm quick to use a wrongdoing for her as a teaching moment, but for myself I will sit in the guilt and shame of what I've done.
For days, weeks, and even months at a time.
Today is a day I hope to cover in grace. It's also a day that I'm extra thankful that she won't remember come tomorrow.
There is a stigma, one I even whole heartedly believed before learning the truth, that stay at home moms must always be happy.
After all- what do they have to complain about?
We are getting the chance to raise our children, every day, at home with us. We get to determine what every moment of their daily lives look like.
What I didn't know is how some days you'll feel like you are without a doubt doing whats best for your child, and the next feel like you've let them down completely.
I lost my cool today. I raised my voice. I spanked. I said "go to time out" over and over again.
And then I broke down.
As Zak walked in the door, I was sitting in the living room crying because today got the absolute best of me.
And then, I put on some actual clothes instead of pajamas, ran a brush through my hair and left.
I headed to the nearest coffee shop. I turned on the radio, and there played "It won't be like this for long."
I cried all over again.
Because its true. Every single moment brings something new these days. It's hard to keep up.
I'm in the middle of the worst of it, but these are the best years of my life. Just because I'm grown up doesn't mean I've stopped growing or that I don't need the same amount of grace and forgiveness I so willingly give to Lennox.
I've never parented before. So as she learns, so do I. It's not easy. It's nothing like what I thought it would be, and in the same breath its far exceeded my wildest expectations.
There are times when motherhood can feel awfully lonely. There are aspects of my current walk that my husband can't understand, because from his view I pleaded for this exact season. I wanted it so desperately, and now I'm smack dab in the middle of it.
Motherhood can especially feel lonely when you don't feel like you have a safe community of loyal friends to walk alongside you. Other moms who will meet you where you are, offer advice and opinions without mom shaming you, and then point you to the true giver of grace.
I have been fortunate to walk this road with friends. But even on days like today, they simply weren't enough.
On those days, and more realistically every single day, I need the only one who can set my heart on the right path. Who I can trust to lead my steps. Who listens and meets me where I am. Who says "my grace is sufficient for you."
AND.IT.IS.
I will lift my head up, wipe away the tears, spend my hour in the coffee shop growing and learning from today, and then I will go home and try to do better.
If you find yourself in the middle of the worst of it, keep in mind that these are more than likely the best years of your life.
I'm quick to use a wrongdoing for her as a teaching moment, but for myself I will sit in the guilt and shame of what I've done.
For days, weeks, and even months at a time.
Today is a day I hope to cover in grace. It's also a day that I'm extra thankful that she won't remember come tomorrow.
There is a stigma, one I even whole heartedly believed before learning the truth, that stay at home moms must always be happy.
After all- what do they have to complain about?
We are getting the chance to raise our children, every day, at home with us. We get to determine what every moment of their daily lives look like.
What I didn't know is how some days you'll feel like you are without a doubt doing whats best for your child, and the next feel like you've let them down completely.
I lost my cool today. I raised my voice. I spanked. I said "go to time out" over and over again.
And then I broke down.
As Zak walked in the door, I was sitting in the living room crying because today got the absolute best of me.
And then, I put on some actual clothes instead of pajamas, ran a brush through my hair and left.
I headed to the nearest coffee shop. I turned on the radio, and there played "It won't be like this for long."
I cried all over again.
Because its true. Every single moment brings something new these days. It's hard to keep up.
I'm in the middle of the worst of it, but these are the best years of my life. Just because I'm grown up doesn't mean I've stopped growing or that I don't need the same amount of grace and forgiveness I so willingly give to Lennox.
I've never parented before. So as she learns, so do I. It's not easy. It's nothing like what I thought it would be, and in the same breath its far exceeded my wildest expectations.
There are times when motherhood can feel awfully lonely. There are aspects of my current walk that my husband can't understand, because from his view I pleaded for this exact season. I wanted it so desperately, and now I'm smack dab in the middle of it.
Motherhood can especially feel lonely when you don't feel like you have a safe community of loyal friends to walk alongside you. Other moms who will meet you where you are, offer advice and opinions without mom shaming you, and then point you to the true giver of grace.
I have been fortunate to walk this road with friends. But even on days like today, they simply weren't enough.
On those days, and more realistically every single day, I need the only one who can set my heart on the right path. Who I can trust to lead my steps. Who listens and meets me where I am. Who says "my grace is sufficient for you."
AND.IT.IS.
I will lift my head up, wipe away the tears, spend my hour in the coffee shop growing and learning from today, and then I will go home and try to do better.
If you find yourself in the middle of the worst of it, keep in mind that these are more than likely the best years of your life.
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