Lacking Community.

Today as I was sitting at kidsclub, reading my devotional, drinking my coffee, and watching the rain fall outside I happened to look up and here is what I saw:

Three separate groups of other moms who were digging in deep to their community. Sharing coffee and conversation, and doing this motherhood thing together.

And then I took a look at my table: empty. Only occasionally visited by my toddler when she is in need of a snack, and I realized these things:

At the start of 2020 I decided that this would be the year I stepped into who God has been molding over the past 4-5 years. I'd stop hiding in my own shadow, I'd be bold. I'd seek Him more. I'd hold myself accountable to my bible study...and you know what, in a lot of ways I've done what I said I was going to do.

My word for 2020 is bloom. Because I know God is calling me to bloom right where I've been planted. To seek community and then commit to it.

But can I be honest? This morning just reminded me of how much I am lacking. During my College years you'd always find me with a group of friends, but what I didn't realize then is that community is easy in College.

I was always surrounded. It was not something I had to actively seek out. And over the years after Graduation as my community moved off, got married and started families I've learned just how much I've been missing.

Don't get me wrong. I have a key set of friends that I feel like I share my life with. But they aren't all here. The majority live a state away in many directions.

So I've slowly drawn further and further away from community and deeper into only doing things with my husband and daughter. 

And while those are my people, they can't fill every role in my life.

What has happened is I've allowed myself to do life on my own for so long that now the prospect of finding a new community is something that sends me spinning.

And that's how the enemy wants me to remain. Too scared to start. Too scared to seek.

He creeps in and fills my mind with the lies that I'm not enough or I'm too much and that's why I don't have that community to embrace me.

But those lies won't win.

Hear me: We were meant to do life with others. To share our struggles. To share our triumphs. And I've failed to do that. But no more. So watch out mom groups...I'm about to infiltrate