waiting to move

When I got home tonight it took all the energy I had left to make it to Lennox's bedtime. If I'm honest, there are a lot of nights like that. But today felt heavier and harder than most. As I stood in the shower and washed away all the day had piled on me, God spoke sweetly to my heart just as I needed it most..." don't you think, sweet daughter, that you're more like your own daughter than you know? You're waiting to move just like she is......  I let the words wash over me again, and again.

When Lennox goes to move she hesitates. She is eager to go, but unsure of what will happen once she does. So instead of crawling, she rocks back and forth and ultimately decides to return to a sitting position. She can get to whatever she wants, the girl scoots like there is no tomorrow, but instead of taking the easiest route she makes more work for herself. She's scared of what it looks like to move forward.

And that's when it hit me: I'm scared of what it looks like to move forward too. Since Lennox was born I have prayed for open doors. Whether that be in my career, in my "hobbies", or with ministry. Lord- open the doors you want me to walk through, and I'll go. But what I've come to realize is that I was praying for open doors, but too unsure of the outcome to move.

Afraid that if I made the wrong move, everything would come crashing down. It's a paralyzing fear.

And you know what it leads to?

It leads to rolling back into the position you feel most comfortable in. It leads to making the work harder for yourself than it needs to be.

I'm guilty of both of those things. 

As I watched Lennox repeat those actions over and over again, my mind began to wonder if she'd ever get it right. Was I doing enough as her mom to help her? Was there something more I could do?

If I could do it for her, I would. But where would the lesson be in that? Do I want to raise a child who is so dependent on me that they can never do for themselves? Certainly not.

But as her mom it's heartbreaking to watch her make the same choice over and over again when I know there is an easier way.

And then the truth comes in and slaps you right in the face.

God feels that same way.

Could he fix my lack of trust to make big moves- yup. In a heartbeat.

But where would my lesson be in that? I hate the season of waiting I'm in, because I feel like I just left a 3 year long season of waiting to become a mom.

But those years of waiting are ones I wouldn't trade. The babies I lost, the heartache I experienced, God used the beaten down, and most broken parts of me to write a beautiful story for His glory.

And here's the best part: He's not done writing yet.

So as I sit and watch my baby wait to move, I'll keep in mind that I'm in the same place. And I'll cover the both of us in prayer.