the waiting game

I have been the worst blogger in the history of blogging lately, and I'm sorry. It's not that I haven't had anything I wanted to say- its just that I wasn't sure how to say it.

 When we started our journey into foster care I tried to brace myself for all the pain that accompanies taking in a child that's not your own. I tried to prep my heart for inevitable goodbye's that come too soon. 

Little did I know that what I should have been prepping my heart for was the pain and longing that goes a long with waiting.

I feel like the past two years of my life have been spent playing the waiting game.

-Waiting to get pregnant, then losing a baby.

-Waiting to feel any sort of normal after that.

 -Waiting to finish our paperwork and homes studies to become an open foster/adoptive home. 

-Waiting for our forever

-Waiting for my next positive pregnancy test.

-Waiting to be too excited when that positive finally came, and then losing my second baby.

-Waiting to determine why there was so much pain (physically and emotionally) after losing our second baby.

- Waiting for my heart to heal...

waiting,waiting, waiting. I feel like it's all I do these days. It's exhausting and heartbreaking, and I'm overwhelmed. Some days I'm even ashamed.

It's not that every moment of my days are filled with anticipation of whats to come. I have a good life. I'm married to a good man, I have an incredible family, my friends are supportive and encouraging, and I love my job. Like I said before- I am richly blessed.

But there's this empty part...this part that I try to hide on a daily basis. A part of me I have to hide away because if I don't it may just consume every piece of who I am.

There's a deep sadness that accompanies losing a child through miscarriage. And it's not the physical pain, though that can be enough to take you to your knees, but the deep pain in viewing yourself as a mother even though those around you wouldn't necessarily call you that.

In the deepest parts of my soul I know I'm meant to be a mom. I know that.

And I truly don't care how I come to be one. Whether the Lord blesses us with multiple biological children, or we create our family through adoption. 

I'm good either way- I just wish the waiting was over.

But then I hear a small voice whisper to my heart 

Wonderful and perfect things take time, my sweet daughter. It's not yet your time, but that doesn't mean it will not come. I have beautiful plans for your life, for your marriage, for your family. Trust me. Lean on me. Show me what you hide from others, I'll take that for you. Don't waste time worrying about the when. I have you waiting for a reason....

And so I wait with purpose. Because I know there are great things in store for the Lowry family. I allow myself to rest fully on the promise the Lord has made to me. After all, He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!