loving him until.

Foster care is hard.

plain and simple.

There is so much about the brokenness involved that I just can't understand. So many times I've asked myself how a parent could let such bad things happen to their kids. There is a lot I won't ever understand about it.

And as I watched the brokenness stretch across "our" 3 year olds face last night I couldn't help but be overcome with emotion. How do you explain to a 3 year old why they can't see their family.. there aren't any words that heal that type of hurt.

I've said this a thousand times before, but it deserves repeating. I married an incredible man. I'm lucky that he embraced the call that God put on our hearts to pursue foster care, and I'm lucky that when I'm weak and overcome with the "how could this happen" he seeks the foot of the cross. We shared one of those moments last night. 

For the most part our little guy has held it together fairly well. He's a tough little guy, full of spunk. He's honestly one of the coolest, most well behaved kids I've met. He is a great listener, and loves to laugh. But you can see how his little heart hurts. And that kills me. During bath time I stepped out of the room for a second to grab some pajamas and when I came back Zak pulled me aside and asked " Did you hear what he just said to me"

I hadn't heard so I asked him to tell me.

Then he said, "he looked at me and said, Zak do you love you me?"

"And I said, yeah KI love you. I think you're a pretty cool dude." to which he replied " I think you're a pretty cool dude too."

melt.my.heart.

It's probably a good thing I wasn't in the room for that, because I without a doubt would have lost it. I don't doubt for a second that Zak loves him, even though he's only been with us a short time. It's hard not to love a kid like that. But what is even cooler is that he sensed that he was loved.

I love that.

If there is one thing I've learned it's that kids know and are aware of much more than we think they are. I hope he leaves our home and knows how much we cared about him, but more than that I hope he leaves our home and knows that God cares about him infinitely more than we do.

Last night as Zak prayed over him before bedtime, my heart grew deeper in love with my husband. Not because he simply spouted off something that sounded good, but because I know when he opens his mouth to pray he means every word that comes out. He goes to the throne boldly on the behalf of others- and I admire that about him.

So for now we are just loving little him until...