sweet season

The closer I get to meeting my baby girl the more emotional I become (hormones). I remember a few years ago sitting with Zak and praying for this season of life to come. Now that it’s here, I’m overcome with thankfulness. Overcome with how good and perfect God is. My prayer through this journey has been to honor God through my pregnancy, and to be the kind of mother he’s called me to be. I don’t want to fail Lennox. My goal in life is to be the best wife to Zak, and best mother to Lennox that I can possibly be. The thought of letting either of them down shakes me to my core. But more than that, I don’t want to take this answered prayer for granted.

 I spent a lot of time asking God to bring me to this exact moment. And now we are closer than ever to meeting our baby.

I sometimes have to just sit and take it all in. It feels so surreal. I didn’t know that we’d ever get to this moment, but despite my doubts God always knew.

I had to go through some difficult (to put it lightly) seasons in order to find this season of dancing. And that’s exactly what it is, there is a joy that’s unlike anything else. I cherish every time I feel her wiggle. I savor these moments, because I know for so many they may never come.

A few weeks ago, Zak and I were talking and he said something that really struck a chord in me. He mentioned how he was so happy that I wasn’t sad anymore. And at first I didn’t know what he meant by that. But after spending some time talking it through, I realized he was right. My two miscarriages rocked me deeper than anyone knew. 

There would be nights Zak would come home and find me softly crying in the shower. I thought I had done a fairly decent job at “hiding” 

my sorrow, but I realize now that I hadn’t.

There is nothing that can replace the two babies I lost. No amount of future pregnancies will “make up” for those two, but there’s something about being on the other side of that pain that is so liberating. Something that changes you, something that allows you to feel more than you ever thought possible. That’s where I am in this moment.

Zak and I have had (nearly) 4 precious years as husband and wife, we’ve used that time to grow and learn, and fall deeper in love. We’ve also used that time to yearn to grow our family. Its bittersweet to be at the end of one chapter, but oh how we anticipate the beginning of a new one. I have no doubt that my love for Zak will grow tremendously when I see him hold Lennox for the first time, and I pray that his love for me deepens as he watches me become a mother.

June is coming quickly. But in the meantime, we’re enjoying our last few months just the two of us- anxiously awaiting to know everything about our little girl.