for those who are waiting

I know how this day can hurt a childless heart.
And that's important for you to know.
I know what it's like to wait for two pink lines, cry because they finally showed up, celebrate with your husband and closest family, and days later suffer an unimaginable loss.
I know that hurt far better than I wish I did.
I lived through it twice, although I don't know that "living" is even how I should describe what I was doing.
More like I existed through it twice.
I know what it's like to lose what you've waited so long for. I've been where you are.

And now Mother's Day is approaching
Two year's ago I wrote a post entitled "my first mothers day". In it I wrote about the pain I felt leading up to that day. Because in my heart, I was a grieving mother. A mom by all accounts, yet no baby on my hip. I can still remember the tears that flowed down my face as I wrote it. It's hard to view yourself as a mom when no one else does. Somehow the loss of a child before they are born is less "appropriate" to mourn than a baby you meet this side of Heaven.
I never quite understood that until I lost Riley and Tatum. Miscarriage is a touchy subject, one that is rarely discussed, and even more so one that isn't really viewed as much of a loss to some.
Can I just tell you this: If you have recently suffered a miscarriage, or suffered one years ago, you are entitled to mourn. You are not alone, and don't let a single person make you feel like this is something you should just get over. The loss of a child changes you in ways that people who have never experienced simply can't understand. and that's okay.
It's okay for you to not be sure how to feel on this day. The first mother's day I had after losing our first baby was HARD.  
This year will be different. This year I'll have my nearly one  year old with me, and I feel like the sting of loss will feel differently than it has in the past.
I always feel guilt over that. Now that I have Lennox a very obvious hole in my heart has been filled. But it doesn't erase the two I lost. No amount of children I have this side of Heaven will replace the two I'll meet one day.
I love them just like I love Lennox. I guess that is the hard part of losing a child- nothing erases the pain, but you learn in time how to move forward with it. 

To those who are waiting 
I want you to know that this season, just like any other, won't last forever. God has a way of giving us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it. I didn't or couldn't understand that until now. In 2014 I thought I was ready and prepared to be a mother. God knew better. And while I'd love to have Riley here with me today, I know that His plans are higher. I don't have to understand the why behind it. I just have to accept the truth of it all. I wasn't ready. There were things in my life I needed to work on, things in my marriage that needed to grow, dreams in my heart I wasn't willing to let go of even though I knew motherhood would change it all. Please don't grow weary in the wait. Reach out, share your heart, find someone who can walk alongside you while you wait. There is never a reason to wait alone. God created us for community. He created us to desire fellowship with others. Don't seclude yourself. And please know I'm sorry that you are here. Man, I know the twinge of jealousy that can rage in your heart. I've been frustrated.and angry. Broken down and exhausted. My season of waiting was one of the most trying seasons of my life. 
Now that I'm on the other side of that season, I also see how beneficial it was for me. I learned to lean on God in the difficult times, and not just run to Him when it was easy. Some days felt like I had to force myself to lean on Him at all. But friends, can I just tell you that He understands. 




To those who are mourning.

I'm so sorry. If I could climb through this computer and wrap you in a big hug, I would. If I could reassure you that one day your family will come, I would. But I can't do either of those things. Instead I hope you let my words, and the Fathers love, seep into your heart. Your time is coming, and His timing is perfect. You feel how you need to feel on this day. If you need to curl up and stay home, do it. If you need to leave town, and invest in your marriage, do it. Whatever you need, you need to do it. And don't be ashamed that you need it. If I would have been honest with Zak about what I needed after both of my miscarriages, I could have saved us a lot of pain. Your spouse is not a mind reader, and no matter how much he cares about you he will never experience this loss in the same way. I'm sorry for every reminder that will smack you in the face, I'm sorry for all the gushy mom commercials that are about to spam your tv and social media pages.I'm sorry if you feel like you are suffering through this alone.

So today, and over the next couple of weeks, you are on my heart and  in my prayers.
Because I know you need a few people fighting for you. I know you need that support and encouragement, because I still need it too.
There are better days ahead. And whether those better days start today, or a year from tomorrow, just know that they will come. Your pain is noticed, and this valley you are in will clear.
"Even Jesus, who knew He was about to perform one of His greatest miracles by raising Lazarus from the dead, stopped first to weep and mourn the loss with His friends. {John 11:1-44}"
And even on the brink of your miracle, it's okay to stop and mourn. So I just want you to know, I see you. And I love you- even if I don't know you at all.


Love,
Meagan