the fear of hope.

There are things about myself that I wish I could change. I hate to harp on them, because honestly I'm one of those people who always have the mindset of "if you don't like it, do something about it".

Except for when it comes to working out- my mantra of "do something about it" doesn't seem to translate to cardio.

Anyways, there's an issue I've been dealing with for some time that I can't simply "do something about" and as much as I hate to admit it, it's really been a cause for anxiety, fear, and depression.

About a month ago I really believed I was pregnant. Like with everything in me, I just knew. I had the symptoms, and Zak and I breathed a small breath of relief in thinking that we had another tiny Lowry growing in my belly.

A few negative pregnancy test and a doctors visit later I found out that not only was I not pregnant, it was not even a possibility that month at all. I won't go into the details of why, because there are some things that I just feel better keeping to myself- but this was just one more blow to my already tender heart.

Now as I sit here with another month of an empty womb I have a choice to make. I can let the nothingness of not gaining what I desire cause me to become the shell of the Meagan I used to be, or I can fight and pray and yearn for the things that have been promised to me.

I'm not going to lie- I wish I could say that every day I make the choice to fight and pray and yearn. I wish I could say that I'm completely at peace with surrendering to however the Lord desires to grow our family.There's a piece of my heart that continuously yearns to feel my child wiggle around inside of me, to see them on an ultrasound and hear their heartbeat. That side of my heart must fight for even the ability to feel the tiniest bit of hope,

Each time I enter in my doctor's office I'm reminded of what I've lost- I sit in the lobby with women who are joyfully pregnant, and I wonder if that will ever happen for me. I enter that place with a heart ready to hear something better, something new. And so far I've left each time feeling more defeated than the last.

At my last visit I received the news that I wasn't thrilled about, because I hadn't prepared my heart to take that next step. And I'm not meaning for this post to sound so sad and mushy and depressing, but this is my therapy. this is where I vent, where I share my heart.

So now I'm in this place where I'm scared to hope that this next step will be the thing that we need. I'm anxious to allow my heart that much hope only to get to next month and know that I'm right back where I started.

But here I am. And just like an old friend my hope is beside me whether I can handle it or not.

I'm so happy for how God is shaping our family so far- and I promise to have an update on all things adoption this week on the blog, but today I wanted to give a small update on where we are as we try to have biological children as well.

For as much as I worry and doubt and fear, I know that God has such big plans for us and our children. And I know that as soon as I meet our forever, it won't matter where they grew- they will be mine, and I will forever be theres.

Thank you for letting me share my heart- and thank you for faithfully reading.

xoxo,

Meagan