what infertility hasn't taken

Last week was #nationalinfertility week and I thought about posting a few times. It's been nearly a year since we lost Riley, and since then we've been placed in an "infertile" category.

Instead I chose to take the week and focus on all the things being "infertile" hasn't taken from me. I closed the door to the closet full of baby clothes, and rockers, and burp bibs. I walked away from the room that is set up for the future little lowry's and I focused on the four (including gracie and callie, of course) lowry's that currently make up my family.

Being infertile hasn't taken away my role as a wife. A role I wasn't sure I would ever be ready for. A role that some day's I fail at. I'm proud of the man I married, I think about all the ways I've pushed him and caused him grief, and then I think that he still chose me. Honestly, I'm not sure why. I would have taken one look at the hot mess that is me, and ran in the other direction. Instead he's spent the past 5 years of my life loving me, meeting me in my mess and showing me grace. He's shown me what being a "man after God's own heart" truly looks like. I'm a better person because of him. And sure, we have days when I'm so overcome by what I've lost that I'm not the same woman he married, we have days where I'm sure he doesn't like me very much at all, but in these 5 years we've never had a day he didn't love me. And that has made all the difference.

Being infertile hasn't taken away my hope of what's to come. There may come a day I realize that getting pregnant again isn't going to happen, but until then I pray that I hold onto the same hope I have now. There are days my hope is stretched so thin, I'm not sure I'll be able to remain hopeful at all. But God is good. And His mercies are new each morning. He restores me. He gives me hope. Infertility hasn't taken that from me.

Being infertile doesn't change how I seek the Lord. My prayers have changed a lot over the years, especially in the past 12 months. But my desire to know Christ more has only grown through this process. I keep thinking if it's not happening yet, there's a reason. His plan for my life is far greater than I even realize, and I can't wait to make it to the day I see the bigger picture. When I can piece things together and say "ah, thats why".

Battling infertility is not for the weak of heart. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "just relax and you'll get pregnant"...and each time I know they mean well, but still- in the moment it's the last thing I want to hear.

After "sitting out" last week about all the ways I could show you how I hold onto things in hope of meeting a little bit of zak and a little bit of me, I filled my days with laughter and growth. I look forward to where this path will lead me. That's something I could have said, but not meant a few months ago. Now I mean it with every fiber of my being. Had I not lost our sweet Riley, I would have never had the courage to start this blog, I wouldn't have made new friendships, and I wouldn't be able share my heart like I have. Sometimes I see the beauty behind it. Other days I see the pain. And I think that's okay. 

So in honor of last week I felt like this post was what I'm supposed to share with you. There may be things I never experience, like feeling my baby grow and kick the inside of my belly. And that makes me sadder than most anything in the world. But I'm also learning to be thankful for the stage of life I'm in. And that's worth it all.

xoxo.

Meagan

**being placed in an "infertile" category does not mean we can not have children, just that it's proven to be more difficult this go around.

:)